. But that was some timeago and long behind her. Liberty was a psychiatrist now and I was herboyfriend."Wait a minute! This is ridiculous, Dad. You are 100 miles away. Youhave no idea where I am or where I am going," I told my him in my head,knowing I would never say this to him in real life. How had I come tothink Dad was omnipresent?It was then I suddenly realised that I had been having these conversationswith my father for as long as I could remember.Dad died around two days later.A week later I lost my job.I didn't know it then but I realise now that I had depression. It'slogical now isn't it? My manhood was being stripped away from me.That night I rowed with Liberty about something trivial, I have no ideawhat it was now, and she went up to bed. I fell asleep on the sofawatching some stupid reality tv programme which consisted of vacuous minorcelebrities sitting around talking about something which you couldn't evenhear because the programme maker in his or her wisdom had. I was over the anxiety of dating a man —no rush for the sexual side of it because I had Kim — but I wanted to feel as if I were one half of a pair. I wanted a partner, a soul mate, someone I could share my deepest secrets with and not be laughed at or dismissed. Kim took care of my body; I wanted someone for my spirit.I'd sent Amber a couple of hundred dollars for Christmas, and we e-mailed frequently. She seemed happy, but she wouldn't answer any direct questions about Jeanette. I had a hunch her mother was monitoring her computer, and Emily wouldn't let me speak to Amber if I called. It was frustrating, but I knew that the leash on Amber would slack off when she turned eighteen. I encouraged her to hang in there and not give up.In February I got over four dozen Valentine's cards from guys I knew or worked with. Some also gave me flowers or candy, and one even gave me a bottle of perfume. Being noticed and appreciated is heady stuff, and I glowed with happy feelings. I didn't know.
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